I am beginning to be honest with myself and state of my mental health... I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder in April 2022 and I had a hard time accepting that mental health disorder. I accepted the diagnosis c-PTSD and chronic depression but BPD was confusing and infuriating to accept.
Self-harm and a suicide attempted were present in life when I was 15 years old. I had developed my eating disorder at the same age. I remember being eternally sad. Every moment of my teenage life, I was sad. I was often performing or masking; I had multiple versions of myself. Each version was for each "family" or group of friends. The only factor that remained the same in each version of _______/CeCe would be that she was a people pleaser.
In January 2023, I booked a tattoo appointment with Mikaela. I had requested Pick Your Poison and when we were finishing up the quote, I wanted her to include a semi-colon butterfly tattoo in honor of losing my friend Claire 20 years ago. It wasn't just honoring her - it was honoring myself. I tried to end my life, once when I was 15 years old and twice in 2022 (when I was 42 years old). I wasn't being honest with myself in the new year. I wasn't acknowledging that I was hurting myself and not acknowledging my role in my own traumas. I was spiraling in the new year. I had thought of taking my life in the first week of the new year. I was very extreme and was falling apart harder and deeper than I had before; I could barely keep moving forward each day. I would have very difficult lows to crawl out of - - - when things would go my way, I would lose my control and think it was over or ruined. Crossing over from being Shawn to becoming Mallory was difficult too. My doula training became a problem because I changed my name just days after registration and because I had no id to prove my name, it was beyond frustrating and I couldn't handle their unprofessionalism and decided to remain calm and leave my issue alone. Move on to my next struggle.