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I'm Tired of Being Resilient

Updated: Dec 15, 2023

A week ago, I had mentally checked out. I had a serious case of dissociation. I've had some kind of relapse and I needed time to find some light again.

Up until the second last week of October, I was attending my course at Conestoga full time. I was achieving my personal goals in academia. I was led to believe that I could not achieve these things when I was a teenager. Reading week was the last last week of October and that is when a new series of flashbacks began.

I tried sharing some of the experiences with my partner and I didn't receive the reaction or comfort I expected, I asked him to leave immediately and to leave me completely alone. He was respectful and offered time and space if those were the things that I needed.

This week has been so difficult, the flashbacks with the guilt and shame that consumes me plus the guilt and shame of asking my partner to leave.

When I was a small child, I nearly drowned. I often have the same scary feelings when I relive the sexual assaults, sexual harassment, and humiliation I had experienced. These flashbacks feel like drowning me this week.

Several people were inappropriate with me, and when I was seeking help, so-called friends who look the other way or in some cases didn't hear what I was trying to express. I remember a specific time that my classmate and friend, Lawrence, saw cuts on my right arm, I lied about how I got them. He didn't follow up on the conversation and never told authorities or teachers about the suspicious wounds. This same friend would eventually shame me at a social event with our circle of friends about the fact that I didn't have happily ever after with my high school sweetheart. I was absolutely shook that I did not say a single thing about that relationship and did not stay for the rest of the event. It broke my heart to hear that he felt I was cold hearted but no one ever asked why or how we got to that point. Being manipulated and belittled routinely makes a sad girl do sadder things. I had to walk away. In no way did walking away from Owen make things easier, it was messier and horrifying for several months before there was a calm again.

Some days I get so angry that I have to self care myself, get therapy, and pay for expensive prescriptions to maybe someday be okay. I can't understand how it's all on me (and my family) for recovery.

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