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Goodbye Shawn. Bonjour Mallory!

Updated: Feb 13

Since last summer, I had been going by my chosen name Shawn but just a few weeks ago I was triggered and remembered hearing one of the parking garage abusers say my chosen name. She was the only one (of my abusers) that used that name. Since that flashback, I've had to face some truths about how she betrayed me then bullied me for months. Cody told her to knock off my crown and she did so. She continued to do so even months after the parking garage incident. She verbally attacked me the last night I went to night school, the Tuesday after Thanksgiving. The week that my worlds came crashing down. I could not be Shawn if I could hear her voice when I thought of my name.

On the anniversary of my grandmother's passing, I shared my new chosen name with my partner. He loved my new name immediately. Mallory; this song made me fall in love with the name again.

(MAL-a-ree) Mallory is a gender-neutral name of French origin. While its literal translation is "unlucky," this name offers plenty of vintage vibes and classic charm.

I am perfectly fine that Mallory means unlucky. I have had some amazing bouts with being unlucky and I am still present. I love the name Mallory. I love that it's a French gender-neutral name. My birthname is French and I would like to continue to honor my maternal ancestry, culture, and language. The LM parent shamed and punished me for being French. I have been disconnected from my maternal language and another bucket list item to heal my inner child is to take language courses to brush up and find my confidence in the language.


obligatory smiling selfie, to give illusion that all is well

Today, I had my tattoo consultation with Mikaela. It was wonderful to talk to Mikaela. She was the first person to say my new name. She'll be doing my pick your poison tattoo and I asked her to do my semicolon butterfly tattoo. This was my first outing this year. A month ago, I was so broken. I'm still beyond my okay point but I'm still present. This is been the saddest I have ever been. I'm so happy that I booked this tattoo session (and I have two more lined up, just waiting on their consultation appts).

Right now, just planning and organizing my upcoming body art session is enough for me to be present. The walk to the studio was beautiful, the weather/temperature was ideal for the thirty minute adventure, and I saw my first cardinal up close. I wasn't able to take its photo, I didn't want to spook it and it was in a tree in someone's yard, so I didn't feel like taking a shot of their living room.

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