c-PTSD

This time last week, I was diagnosed with complex post-traumatic stress disorder. Since August (2021), I started having vivid flashbacks from my teenagerhood years. I was living in two dysfunction homes and I hung around then dated someone who abused and gaslighted me. I was masking in multiple circles and especially in my OM household. I don't even remember who was the real me then.

The majority of the flashbacks were events that happened in the last three weeks of my relationship with Cody. Our last month together we were living two different relationships, he was out of control angry and mean, purposely doing things to hurt me. I thought we had a second chance at love, I had been embarrassed and ashamed of bring him out with my social circle. I realized what I was doing and was looking for the romance in our relationship. He became increasingly more abusive. He threatened my life, he tauntingly asked if I felt suicidal, and he made me cry on a dance floor; the first night we were back together, after my seasonal work on a farm, also days after I was sexually assaulted. One of the hardest truths that I had to face was the fact the physically assaulted me the week before we broke up. I had tried to convince myself it was his blood on my clothing, but in fact it was my blood on my hoodie. I cry a lot about this, I can't understand how someone goes from being such a gentle being turn into someone who punches his girlfriend in a jealous rage. He was careless before he changed for the worse, I was foolish and was looking for a beautiful goodbye that would never exist.

Home again. April 19, 2022.