top of page

Hopes & Dreams

Updated: Dec 9, 2023

When I blurted out that I wanted to become a Fibromyalgia Coach to my classmate, Ophelia, two years ago this week, I said that "I want to be a Fibro Coach that specializes in abuse prevention" I wasn't aware at the time that I had more knowledge and (unfortunately) experience with abuse. When I was seventeen years old, I had a crush on a boy that I never really got to know personally; I never found out his favorite band, his middle name or any personal information that friends learn from one another when they get to know each other. I wanted a new boyfriend and he was mysterious & bad boy. I met him on March 8, 1997 and by my birthday seventeen days later, he sexually assaulted me in front of his best friend at my birthday party in March 1997. ​We never officially became a couple, I would try so hard to get his attention when he was in town visiting, I would sit next to him, hold his hand, flirt uncontrollably, which probably gave some desperate vibes but I was desperate at that time. We never had a deep connection, great conversation, or anything that would resemble a relationship. I was blind by infatuation, not love, and had invited him to be my date to my sister's wedding - I also invited his best friend to have more incentive to attend as my date. Neither of them would be in attendance to the wedding, which was a blessing because they were trouble makers and I am grateful they stayed away. In June 1997, I met someone else, this relationship would become a summer fling and he was my date to my sister's wedding. He was the perfect fling - a musician, such a sweet spirit. When I would do something for the owner of the coffee house would asked my best friend and I do make posters for the upcoming events and advertisements for summer beverages, the musician would volunteer for that task or spend the day as an unpaid employee, selling milk shakes at the waterfront. I am grateful for the time we spent together over that summer. He helped mend my broken heart; he sang with me at the coffee house instead of shushing me or humiliating me when I sing along to a song on the radio. He called me his lucky charm when he finally won a chess match against the owner of Brazil.

When my summer fling moved back to Toronto for college at the end of August '97, I felt alone and afraid to be alone. I started dating someone just for comfort and protection - which he never provided. He would taunt me with song lyrics and belittle me by telling me how my body should look and how I should behave. I wanted him to love me the way he did when he was chasing me, the moment he became my boyfriend that version of him was gone and I was left with a mean soul that I thought loved me and I never thought he was a bad boyfriend. I would spent most weekends waiting for him to arrive for our together time we scheduled but he would often stand me up. I spent so much time, at home, alone, crying and missing him so much. I didn't see that he was controlling me and who I would spend time with. I tried to share my world with him but he was not interested in the same social circles that I was involved with. There is so much more story to tell but it will have to wait until I am ready to release Her Story.

Because I allowed myself for these things to happen, I put my own hopes and dreams on hold or in some cases completely die. I had no desire to go on to college, I had no direction. I was completely lost. Even when it was time to select college/university programs in the winter before graduation, I had applied to college courses that I would never excel at and/or the location of the college was near a (male) person from my life. E.g. I applied for the fashion program at Humber. I am not creative artistly but the location was near my summer fling.

These things happened to me twenty-five years ago and I am just realizing the extremities I endured. I didn't even remember the sexual assaults until December 2021. I didn't know what I experienced was unhealthy; I didn't know my ex-boyfriend was a narcissist, that he was gaslighting me, he was manipulating me, and he had abused me. Just two and half years ago, I started to put myself together cause I did not like the life I was living and enrolled into my first college program. I already knew I was tired of living in my brain and being so sad. I feel that I am now in the deepest, saddest part of healing myself from my trauma(s) from my unhealthy relationship(s). I am struggling so very hard and I am determined to rise above this and become who I was always meant to become.

Taking a depression nap with Miley in my arms. April 14, 2019

0 views0 comments

Recent Posts

See All
bottom of page