World Suicide Prevention Day

CW: SUicide, self-harm, eating disorder

I am beginning to be honest with myself and state of my mental health... I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder in April 2022 and I had a hard time accepting that mental health disorder. I accepted the diagnosis c-PTSD and chronic depression but BPD was confusing and infuriating to accept. 

Self-harm and a suicide attempted were present in life when I was 15 years old. I had developed my eating disorder at the same age. I remember being eternally sad. Every moment of my teenage life, I was sad. I was often performing or masking; I had multiple versions of myself. Each version was for each "family" or group of friends. The only factor that remained the same in each version of _______/CeCe would be that she was a people pleaser. 

In January 2023, I booked a tattoo appointment with Mikaela. I had requested Pick Your Poison and when we were finishing up the quote, I wanted her to include a semi-colon butterfly tattoo in honor of losing my friend Claire 20 years ago. It wasn't just honoring her - it was honoring myself. I tried to end my life, once when I was 15 years old and twice in 2022 (when I was 42 years old). I wasn't being honest with myself in the new year. I wasn't acknowledging that I was hurting myself and not acknowledging my role in my own traumas. I was spiraling in the new year. I had thought of taking my life in the first week of the new year. I was very extreme and was falling apart harder and deeper than I had before; I could barely keep moving forward each day. I would have very difficult lows to crawl out of - - - when things would go my way, I would lose my control and think it was over or ruined. Crossing over from being Shawn to becoming Mallory was difficult too. My doula training became a problem because I changed my name just days after registration and because I had no id to prove my name, it was beyond frustrating and I couldn't handle their unprofessionalism and decided to remain calm and leave my issue alone. Move on to my next struggle.

flashbacks struggles timeline for this spiral 
January was the poets.
February was "family".
March was breaking up(?)
April was redefining our relationship.
May was the mom wound.
June to present - sad girl summer