I was struggling everyday last week. On Thursday, after a half an hour conversation on the phone with my youngest boy, I felt energized and happy. I took advantage of the good mood & good energy and went to the nearest second hand store to find some treasures for my new apartment. I attempted walking home to Kate's apartment with my heavy basket of treasures. I walked about 1 km and I knew I needed a rest. The heat was affecting me and I know better to stay hydrated but I started hydrating too late and it caught up to me. I stopped at the nearest timmies to Kate's and texted her to see if she could help me home. I grabbed a cold brew coffee and rested. She collected me and carried my items home for me. I was very pleased with my haul, my awareness and being in tuned to my body and my needs, and that my bestie had my back.
On Saturday, Kirk dropped me off at a second hand store and while I was browsing the dress section, someone walked up behind me and reached across me to grab the dress I just pushed by. I told the person firmly to get out of my personal space. I was freaked out when that arm reached to closely to my being. I felt unsafe and in danger and I spoke up loudly. She asked why do you do this to me and I responded I have ptsd and she was in my space. I was so upset, I left my buggy of treasures in another aisle as I was trying to leave the store calmly. I didn't have the experience I wanted there and I would not want to be asked by their employees if I found what I was looking for without a breakdown. After my partner tried to comfort me, we discussed trying another location and I think the thrifting gods rewarded me.
I love being a thrifty person. I learned to make my money stretch and I have always preferred a thrift find over something full price. But I have indulged a time or two on something new. Last fall, I treated myself to brand new blankets - I bought myself a Beatles throw and a sunflower duvet cover. It was more expensive than I anticipated but I figured I could get this for myself. In 1999 when I moved in with Kirk, I left home with my backpack and my clothes. I had a few possession but I had no household items or bedding. A blanket was taken from my arms when I was leaving for the last time. I was told it wasn't mine. Remembering this hurts me to this day. I am so anxious to be in my apartment, in my bed, with my blankets & pillows. I want to lay my head down every night and know I am safe. Maybe, I hope, I can find peace.
"I have Fibromyalgia - thank you for being considerate," diagnosed with Fibromyalgia in 2018, I am still struggling to understand my illness and learn to cope with my pain.
In spring 2022, I was diagnosed with chronic depression, c-PTSD and Borderline Personality Disorder. Everyday was yesterday in my mind & in the flashbacks I was routinely suffering through. Three months after my second suicide attempt, I moved to a new community to begin my healing journey.
is an homage to my favorite childhood book series, Martine. I love the symbolism of the hot air balloon that I, Mallory, am navigating life with chronic illness while on a healing journey.