invoking the truth

This art therapy session was very challenging and it brought up my anger.

We were instructed to pick our art subject based on a triggering subject. I chose water. I had a near death drowning experience when I was 4 year old. When I was 9 years old, an "uncle" grabbed me by the ankle and pulled me into a hot tub when I clearly did not want to be in the water. I banged my head on the side of the tub and went underwater for a moment, and every adult thought it was funny and they all laughed at me while I was fucking broken about it. I had to sit in the tub in my wet, now sheer white nightgown and laughed along with them.

I chose five colors, different shades of blue. I traced a vase and colored me in. I was the vibrant turquoise-blue in the center of the page. The other blues around me... one blue was so anger, I tore through the page and fixed it up with a rainbow on the back of the page, like a band aid. There's four arrows and three pools of blood. Lastly, I ran the black crayon across it all. The darkness in the waters... there is no light.

Someone spoke of bats being the subject matter for their artwork today. I used to fear bats too. But since I was inspired to get my Bea tattoo in March 2022, learning about their symbolisms in different cultures, I have loved bat. Since getting Bea, I have faced truths that I was covering up and hiding from for decades. I am grateful that I had asked in ceremony to be free from my mind of Cody, I was given new eyes and spirit to walk with the pain I had boxed away. 

Last weekend, I went for a walk in the lake where I had my near drowning experience. I walked alone in the shoreline and talked aloud about my sad feelings about water and trust. I got to laugh with myself about something I spoke out. It was nice to get the last laugh there.