When I was getting my dragon tattoo last week, I was asked about what is was like to have fibromyalgia. I stumbled so badly when I was trying to remember what it was like before my mental health diagnosis, when I just had fibromyalgia. I feel like my pain has been different for over a year, when I had my first mental breakdown of 2022. It happened as my last semester of college was wrapping up and my placement was about to begin. I haven't felt a moment of relief in my lower back (kidney area) since my c-PTSD/flashbacks became intense and much more frequent. I feel that my hypervirulence is heightened and my body tries to calm itself with bouncing and rocking, and I try to calm myself, then my nerves tighten and twitch painfully.
Actually, I can't remember a time when I felt okay.
I remember having absolutely no energy, I would stay in bed while the children went to school and by mid to late afternoon I could muster up enough energy to get them to their sports or activities in the evenings.
One thing about having Fibromyalgia is how often people dismiss your illness. It is an invisible illness and most times when going through medical tests, it shows as normal activity on the charts and (some) doctors tell you that it's nothing. It's sometimes cruel because I am in pain and the medical professional just told me that "it's in your head", "not that bad", "it can't be that bad", "not real". The doctor I was seeing during the beginning of my mental breakdown, in March 2022, was a wonderful woman. During our appointment, she listened to me and she validated my condition & my pain. I cried tears of joy because the physician before her was the cruel one. He dismissed me and I was told my pain was not real. I went to him for help because I was having mobility issues and had fallen down three times, he made me walk back and fort in his office and said I couldn't just fall, it wasn't possible. I was scared to fall down the stairs at the college when two of my falls were at home on my staircases (the third fall was at a girl guide event after 20, 000 steps kind of day). I tried to explain that my body felt exhausted and my legs let go. He didn't believe me and I never got the care I deserved from his practice. I saw him once in the six month he was assigned as our family physician, he closed his practice in the spring of 2020.
"I have Fibromyalgia - thank you for being considerate," diagnosed with Fibromyalgia in 2018, I am still struggling to understand my illness and learn to cope with my pain.
In spring 2022, I was diagnosed with chronic depression, c-PTSD and Borderline Personality Disorder. Everyday was yesterday in my mind & in the flashbacks I was routinely suffering through. Three months after my second suicide attempt, I moved to a new community to begin my healing journey.
is an homage to my favorite childhood book series, Martine. I love the symbolism of the hot air balloon that I, Mallory, am navigating life with chronic illness while on a healing journey.