On Thursday I had updated one of my website pages and I wanted to share it with my partner this afternoon. I decided to use google to pull up my website, and when I saw images in the search results. I looked over where they were linked and I was pleased to see that in October that Fibro Bloggers shared my website with this beautiful caption, a bit of a mission statement for my blog & website. I am so honored and delighted to be apart of the Fibromyalgia community.
When I was in my hometown there were barriers that didn't allow me to access support groups. I felt unwelcomed by another Fibro Warrior, I felt that I would be a hazard in her healing journey. I admired her openness and social media presence speaking out about chronic illness. I wanted to reach out once I had received my diagnosis but ten years prior to being diagnosed, she gave me the impression that I was not welcome to approach her. I have always respected her wishes and hoped one day that she could be healed from her illness.
I tried navigating the failed health & mental health care system in my hometown, it was increasingly more and more difficult and by the end of July I NEEDED to escape elsewhere. My best friend extended her hand, her heart, her home to me at the most incredible time - just a few weeks before the unveiling of the hospital's auditorium new namesake.
I had felt the whole community was built to see that I fail in my healing journey. I removed myself from the toxic environments. I realize that not everyone has this unique opportunity, I am blessed. It hasn't been all sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows since I moved to my new community... I am not healed. I most definitely struggle terribly... but in this community where there is no daily reminders of the abuse and maltreatment I had experienced in my hometown, there has been better odds of tackling and possibly conquering my illnesses and taking back my life.
Chronic Illness leaves some people to feel that they are alone in their illness; I was isolated when I was suffering with depression and anxiety - which lead me to being bedridden for a few years then in 2018 I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, I felt lost and alone in this journey until I found other women in the Fibro community. I found the Fibromyalgia Podcast hosted by Tami Stacklehouse. Her podcast is so uplifting and empowering - - - I found strength and believed in myself. I joined the Fibromyalgia community, such as taking the Fibromyalgia Advisor program through IFCI and blogging about my life with chronic illness. I have been more focused on mental health since 2021, they are so intertwined in my life's journey.
In the mist of a terrible spiral in my mental health these past (several) month. I have removed social media from my phone and deactivated my facebook account. I chose not to delete it, I hope to use it again for the chronic illness groups and blog sharing. It was important to remove myself from media and news.
At this time, I have withdrawn from my studies and missed my opportunity to complete my second course in the creative writing certification program at Western. I am focusing on my support groups and therapy sessions; working towards improving my mental health.
My art therapy sessions are wrapping up November 22 - - - my art therapist is taking on new opportunities elsewhere and our next session will be very special. We will be evaluating my art projects over the past four months. She invited me to display my art like an art gallery at my favorite coffee house. And to bring my favorite mug for the session. I will share photography of my art exhibit.
It is absolutely fitting that it's "boyfriend day" but it's really mean girls day. Today was also tattoo day. I have known for a long time that I was tattooing the words sour girl but the creation of this inkdreams was done January 13th during an experience that I haven't quite defined yet. It was nearly an out of body experience. I was frantic and chaotic when I lifted these words from my yearbook to add to artworks I had saved as tattoo wish lists. I had created several tattoos that day... but only three have come to life:
The other words are put away. I chose to lift these words written by my boy/best friend because they were how he burned and scared me, so I carry them with my new found power over the words. There is a fourth tattoo to this collection, it will completed in November. I didn't get to morn the end of my relationship to my best friends, Owen & Darcy. I am honoring them in the fourth tattoo. They both meant the world to me, and I never stopped loving them, but they moved on without me. I tried reaching out to Darcy during her first xmas college break (Dec.'99) and she made it clear she didn't want to visit me. I let her go but I never took the time to process that heartbreak. I had realized over the summer, that I did not grieve Darcy once she was no longer in my life. I missed her more than I would be able to express. But the timing of her shutting me out was the same week that Cody & Austin sexually assaulted me in a department store when I was xmas shopping. I was overwhelmed and unable to process any of the events that week. Including being shamed by my in-laws and resentful that was a being labeled by them.
The playlist is a combination of songs that inspired the tattoo and songs that were playing the morning these inkdreams were brought to life.
someday... i'm gonna tell myself; i made it
In fall 2020, I was taking Indigenous Wellness and Addiction Prevention at Canadore College and the courses were built that you would self-reflected and analyze your experiences. I wrote about my relationship with my father in a blog post and created this
I stayed up all night editing my blog and websites. I decided that I wanted to use my colors I had picked for my front entrance but I wasn't able to create it because I left "home" August 2022. I was planning to have a witchy front door and the color was called Twilight Lavender. And a complimentary color that I used is called English Lavender
I also changed the fonts on my brand kit. I think it's lovely together.
This afternoon while I was working on my site and Kirk was listing items on Kijiji, I placed my witch books on the coffee table that Kate gave us - - - I achieved something special today. Nearly a year ago, I had wrote on my blog that I wanted to have witch books in my new apartment, my home, on my coffee table with a latte in my favorite mocha mug from Brazil Coffee House.
CW: SUicide, self-harm, eating disorder
My creative space is evolving slowly - I have an art corner and building my art supplies while exploring new/new again skills.
11/2/2023 - I saw a friend share this quote on social media and it is by Paulo Coelho.
Thank you Del for posting the quote with the author's name. I try my best to include credit to the artist(s). I hope to find the artist who created the gorgeous goddess in the artwork I shared in September.
In July, I began my first Western University Creative Writing course. I wish I kept the same excitement for the course the whole way through but I was experiencing some very dark days and I fell into a habit of postponing my work until the last day, even last hours before the due date. I was mad at myself when I would fall apart and fuel my mood swings. I am very grateful for the timing of the course and my peers comments & feedback on my work and interest in my blog. Every time I received a comment/feedback from a peer or from the professor, I would copy and paste them into a folder; I plan to print the feedback on cardstock and place them above my workstation. I think visual reminders that I am capable to create or write anytime. That my voice matters.
Starting to believe that I am the writer.
"I have Fibromyalgia - thank you for being considerate," diagnosed with Fibromyalgia in 2018, I am still struggling to understand my illness and learn to cope with my pain.
In spring 2022, I was diagnosed with chronic depression, c-PTSD and Borderline Personality Disorder. Everyday was yesterday in my mind & in the flashbacks I was routinely suffering through. Three months after my second suicide attempt, I moved to a new community to begin my healing journey.
is an homage to my favorite childhood book series, Martine. I love the symbolism of the hot air balloon that I, Mallory, am navigating life with chronic illness while on a healing journey.